Forgiveness
by Bobbie23
Summary: A speculation one shot based on spoilers for Forgiving Rollins


**Disclaimer – I don't own **_**Law and Order: Special Victims Unit **_**or any of the characters.**

**Author Note – a speculation one shot based on spoilers for **_**Forgiving Rollins. **_**If you have the time I would love to know any comments you have, so please leave a review or send me a PM.**

Forgiveness

"_The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."  
>― <em>_Steve Maraboli__, __Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience_

The bar is quiet for a Wednesday and she has lost track of time as she sits in the back booth nursing her drink. She's been here a few times on her own. It's not a cop bar and it's away from the precinct. No one recognises her, no one hits on her, no one whispers, and no one reminds her. Of anything.

Her nails graze the sides of the tumbler, her eyes stare through the amber liquid to the table below it. It's her first and she can't bring herself to drink it. She thinks of the last few weeks and how her life has spiralled around her. She feels like she's failed. She's pushed away everyone who cares about her and wants to help. Olivia, Fin, Nick…

The door opens and she resists the urge to look up to see who it is but out of the corner of her eye she can see the person pause and scan the bar. Her fingertip traces the rim of her glass as she contemplates whether or not the drink would provide the escape she desperately wanted.

Amanda hears the footsteps drawing closer and the rustling of a coat as the person slides into the booth opposite her without asking for an invitation. She raises her head to tell them she's not interested. Her jaw drops when her eyes meet those of her commanding officer.

Olivia…

She's not surprised.

After all Fin tried to talk to her, she should have expected Olivia to do the same. She just can't bring herself to tell the other woman to leave her alone like she had with Fin. Amanda knew Olivia would refuse, just like Fin had when he'd approached her in the other bar nearly a week ago. The next night she'd found another bar she could be anonymous in. She doesn't want to know how Olivia found her or how long she had been looking, Olivia wouldn't tell her even if she asked.

She was hiding. She knew that and she didn't want anyone to find her or feel like they needed to rescue her from her own mistake.

"Are you going to tell me to stop drinking too?" Amanda asks her irritation at the intrusion clear. To her surprise Olivia shakes her head.

"No," she says as she places her own glass filled with two fingers of scotch on the table next to hers. "I would never tell you how to deal with this; you need to do it your own way. If you want to drink, drink." She pauses; her hand taps the table top next to her glass gently. "But you don't have to do it alone."

Amanda knows she's not talking about drinking. "What if I want to?"

Olivia tilts her head to the side and contemplates her, sees right through her. "Then I'll tell you the answer isn't at the bottom of a glass, no matter how many times you refill it to try and get a different result."

"How would you know?" Amanda asks softly. She isn't defensive, rather inquisitive because she already knows the answer.

"Because I watched my mother try it for years," Olivia replies. "Hell I even tried it, didn't work though. Didn't work for my mother either."

Amanda drops her eyes to the glass again. She'd never found the consolation she was looking for at the bottom of a glass, it only served to help her sleep when she couldn't shake the memories or nightmares. It wasn't like the thrill she got from a win, that split second when she realised she had won, when she forgot the horrors of her past. The thrill her mind began to crave and sought time and time again. In the beginning the gambling had been her oasis which quickly became a new nightmare as her addiction grew and she began lose, her bank balance dwindling as she fought to get that first high back.

She was an addict.

Every day she still fought the urge to find a game and chase that thrill, find that release, just one last time. Nick had been her distraction from gambling and they had been each other's new haven before that turned into a disaster.

She just wants everything to stop spiralling out of her control.

"D'you expect me to talk?" Amanda asked her own answer clear in her tone.

"No," Olivia replies with a shake of her head.

Amanda slips her hand around her glass and waits for Olivia to copy her movement. They lift the tumblers at the same time and touch with a soft ding, toasting Amanda's silent invitation to stay. They sip while watching each other, neither flinching as the alcohol burns their throats. The glasses lower to the table with a small thud which sounds too loud. They don't drink again; don't talk for a while as they both contemplate the reasons why they're sat there.

Another patron stumbles past the end of the booth to the vintage jukebox behind them and after fumbling with the controls the soft strands of some old country song fill the bar and Amanda snickers when she hears the man swear under his breath because in his drunken state he'd pressed the wrong button. Her eyes meet Olivia's and she sees the mirth there too but she's managing to hold it back and Amanda bites her lip to keep the snicker from becoming a full blown laugh.

The music fills the air; words of heartbreak and desperation filtering through the dim, just like all country songs. Amanda thinks it's fitting and she starts to hum along to the familiar tune which she can't put a name to. Her finger starts to swirl the rim of her glass again, her eyes follow it hypnotically.

"I owe you an apology," Amanda starts quietly.

"No, you don't," Olivia replies.

She doesn't know why she's started talking, why she feels compelled to. Maybe it's because Olivia isn't pushing her to talk. Maybe because Olivia knows what it's like to have the nightmares. Maybe that's what she's hiding from. The acceptance, the understanding.

She hated it.

She didn't want to be looked at with pity. In the back of her head she knew the people who mattered didn't think that way. Olivia, Fin, Nick…

She's been a bitch in the past, especially the last year, escalating in the recent months. And now they've forgiven her for all of it because they found out about the assault. She hated how they know accepted her behaviour, and dismiss her need to apologise, not just for her behaviour, not for holding her tongue.

For being attacked.

For being raped.

For dragging them all through it.

She feels like she's let them down. She should have reported it, knows she could have stopped Patton from assaulting other women.

Other women were attacked because she didn't speak up.

She feels guilty for letting it happen in the first place. But she had no idea how to speak out against the 'good old boys' club down in Atlanta back then, didn't have the strength to. She ran to New York in an effort to escape it. She feels ashamed that nothing has worked to make her forget, can't move past it.

"I was jealous of you," Amanda says lifting her head to look at Olivia who cocks an eyebrow.

"Of me?"

"You dealt with it and I couldn't," Amanda says and Olivia shuffles uncomfortably at her explanation but she doesn't shy away.

"If I had a choice, I probably would have dealt with it the same way you have," Olivia replies. "The first time I was attacked, I tried to. For months I was fine, and then it snuck up on me. Everyone realised when it hit," she gives a self-depreciating laugh which comes out as a huff. "Fin was the only one who talked to me about it, only one on the job I confided in." Olivia smiled fondly at the mention of the man who is like a brother to both of them.

Fin…

Amanda ducks her head to hide her shame that she feels about the way she treated her partner. He's been there for her, never judged her, never given her a reason to think he would, and she pushed him away, unwilling to let him think that way about her.

"When I was abducted," Olivia continues her voice hitching at the word. She swallows heavily. "It was public and everyone knew. I would have given anything for it be private, but there was no way it was going to happen especially in the unit we're in. If I had a choice, I imagine I would have dealt with it like you have been before I realised that the people around me wanted to help."

"You think I need help?" Amanda asks, not really sure if she wants to hear the answer.

"I think you need to realise people want to help and no one is going to treat you differently if you ask for it, at least not the people who matter."

Olivia, Fin, Nick…

Amanda knows it's not as simple as Olivia is making it sound and she knows Olivia doesn't believe it is either.

"I'm talking about you too," Olivia adds when Amanda doesn't reply. "You need to stop thinking about yourself differently. You need to stop thinking about what you could have done differently because it's not going to change anything, stop feeling guilty."

Her tongue darts out to moisten her dry lips and Amanda wonders if it's her bodies' way of stalling the thoughts from tumbling out of her mouth.

"I never wanted them to know," she confesses quietly, quelling the impulse to sob. She can feel it building, has since the first time she saw Patton again in Atlanta. "I don't want any of you to think they have to save me."

"We don't." Olivia gnaws on her lower lip, thinking. "This is one of the hard parts about working with the men we do. They're always going to protect us, even when we don't want them to. It's a part of who they are and why they work in Special Victims, we can't change that. Their reaction isn't about us, it's about them." She licks her lips and Amanda wonders if she's stalling. She waits patiently, intrigued. "They think they have failed us. It's their job to spot the signs. It's worse for them when it happens to someone they care about, because they think they should have been able to see it."

"I didn't want them to," Amanda pushes out. "I pushed Fin away when he tried to talk to me."

"He's not going to take it personally," Olivia assures her.

"I hate that he won't," Amanda admits.

"I know. Fin knows that's not about him. He won't tell you what you want to hear, but he'll always be straight with you."

"I tried to goad Nick into a fight. I just wanted him to lash out, give me a reason to be angry at him." That night in the bar was weeks ago after they forced a woman to become a victim against her own choice. He hasn't spoken to her outside of work since and she hasn't wanted him to. "Now…Now he just accepts it," she says remembering the remorseful look he's been sending her for days now. She never wanted him to look at her that way and she's been waiting for him to find her to apologise, because that's who he is. She doesn't want him to, not when he won't accept her apology.

Olivia is silent for a moment and Amanda realises she knows about the affair. She doesn't ask Olivia to acknowledge it, because that would mean she would have to do something about it. She wonders who Olivia is saving by keeping quiet; her or Nick. It would be the last straw in both of their careers.

"They feel guilty for not seeing it, I know I do." Olivia fixes her with a meaningful stare. "You gave me a pretty big one when we first met. I was caught up in my own life to notice and I'm sorry."

Amanda closes her eyes, knowing the moment Olivia was referring to, her attempt to bond with the seasoned officer when she first arrived at the one six.

"I asked you how you still trust men," she recalls opening her eyes to see Olivia nodding and looking away. Amanda tilts her head to the side, remembering Olivia's answer four years ago. They've never been friends and Amanda has never been confident enough to bring it up to her but she figures since they're sharing now is the time to ask. "You never talk about him."

Olivia's head snaps up and at Amanda's look she relaxes, realising they're in an anonymous bar where no one knows who they are. Anything said tonight would stay in the bar. Amanda wants Olivia to trust her with her answer, wants Olivia to trust her. It's not just because she's curious about Olivia's relationship with her former partner but she hopes it may give her some insight about her own situation.

"He left because he couldn't deal with it anymore, he needed help and I couldn't see that," Olivia says flicking her nails against the other nervously. Her hands suddenly flatten against the table forcibly and she stares blankly at Amanda. "Last time I really talked about him…" She trails off.

Amanda doesn't press her to finish the sentence, picking up on the setting of her jaw, the defiance in her eyes, the slight shake of her hand. She knows when Olivia last talked about her old partner.

"Were you two…Did you ever…?" Amanda asks gently. She realises she's pushing but she can't stop herself. She's slightly disappointed when Olivia shakes her head.

"No, we never slept together," Olivia says.

"Do you regret that?"

Olivia stares back at her for a long moment and Amanda can't read her. But then her face falls and Amanda doesn't feel as grateful as she thinks she should.

"Sometimes," Olivia admits lifting her glass to swallow a large sip as if she needs the liquid courage to talk about her old partner. She swallows the alcohol. "There was a time when I thought, when we could have," she stumbles slightly over the words. Amanda can't think of a time when she's heard Olivia sound so small or unsure of herself. "He was married and he and his wife separated for a while and we came close."

"Why didn't you?" Amanda asks.

"Because I was scared," Olivia confessed. "He cared about me, knew me." She paused pinning Amanda with a knowing look. "Even the things I didn't want him to. I didn't want to be that vulnerable."

Nick…

Nick was the first friend she'd taken into her bed. He cared about her not where his next orgasm was coming from. It was nice being with him, she wasn't scared of him. She trusted him. He had separated from Maria and sought solace with her, just like she found with him. They were using each other. Maybe this is what Olivia wanted to avoid all those years ago.

"I don't want him to treat me differently because of this." Olivia nods understandingly. Amanda waits a beat. "I could have stopped him from doing it again."

"You could have," Olivia agrees. She's not just telling Amanda what she wants to hear, she's not validating Amanda's feelings of guilt. "But I know how hard it is to admit to being a victim."

Amanda bobs her head, swallowing back the lump in her throat that forms at the label. "Does it get easier?"

"Not until you forgive yourself."

"_Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim-letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor."  
>― <em>_C.R. Strahan_


End file.
